Dumbledore's will
by Ann-Droid
Summary: Crack-fic, read at own risk. Contains explicit language.


A/N This fic is AU as of the end of HBP

A/N This fic is AU as of HBP. Very, VERY AU and wrong, mustn't forget wrong. Draco has the nerve, and kills Dumbledore. He also kills Ron, just cos I don't like him. Voldemort finds out that Severus is a traitor, but he escapes and returns to Hogwarts. The dark mark is gone, it was ugly. This is what happens at the reading of Dumbledore's will.

I do NOT own Harry Potter. I own the merchandise, a Hedwig (Stuffed. She won't stop eating), and this Fic. Anybody who argues WILL BE ASSIMILATED!!

DELETE! EXTEMINATE!

The One and Only Chapter

The room was packed, as Dumbledore's will was opened for the first time. (Everybody, at this point, looked at the man in question) Dumbledore's voice filled the room, carrying with it much of the sorrow felt by those who were not yet pushing up the daisies.

'If you are hearing this recorded statement, then it means that I am dead. Do not pass go, do not collect two-hundred pounds. Dead. Vamoosed. Joined the choir invisible. Fell down the great stairway. Tripped over my own bucket. D.E.A.D. Dead! DEAD! (Obviously, or you wouldn't be hearing this will. I would still be sitting in my chair, in the great hall, leading the Choir, instead of being part of it.) I do not know how I died, or who killed me, Cough Draco Cough however, regardless, I will state the contents of this verbal dialogue as if it were my last, which, indeed, to those who it concerns it may be. Unless you have strange voices in your head. At which point, I advise you to go see a psychiatrist immediately. Then you'll feel better. And be in a nice room with bouncy walls.

I must ask those people I do not name to leave the room now. They were never good in the bedroom anyway.

Harry, Bum-sex is so rewarding at my time of life

Hermione, You were tight. Whether that is because of your Virginity, or because I was getting old, I do not know

Arthur, I know it was hell being pregnant, especially as you were a man, however I know that Charlie was a just reward.

Molly, I still remember the night I fathered Percy.

Filius, You were very good in bed that night. Maybe because of your goblin heritage. It was a little short however, but it wasn't your fault. Your prick was never meant to be that long.

Aberforth, Incest has a special feeling about it. It's like we were connected as we hadn't been since I bummed you at nine.

Remus, Werewolves are horny. That is all. Just horny. And big.

Nymphadora, Changing into Marilyn Monroe was a _stroke_ of genius my love.

Alastair, your eye saw more than it bargained for. And it didn't even have to see through clothing.

Minerva, My dear wife, you always made my blood boil with lust, and your collection of sex-toys was quite eye-opening. I enjoyed being chained to the bed-post and whipped. It was kinky.

Severus. I apologise for all those nights when you were cold and alone. The nights when you crawled into my bed, I spent hugging you close. Too close. Raping minors is not something I do lightly. But for you, I made an exception.

'Now to the business part of the will. To Harry. I know that my passing will have left a hole inside you, and for that I am sorry. You may be feeling empty, therefore I direct you to Neville. His innocent nature may make a long-term sexual partnership for you. He's OK in bed, you know. So I leave, as you have no need for more money, the contents of a small vault at Gringotts, containing those of your parent's possessions I rescued from Godric's Hollow, Sex toys and other such items, as well as the knowledge that my faith in you is unshakeable. I truly believe that you will beat Voldemort, then fuck him. Not necessarily in that order.

To Miss Hermione Granger, Hermione. Books are your passion, I know and so I leave you the contents of the library adjoining my office. I hope and trust that they will be found useful to you. Among the volumes is 'Little Wizards book of Karma Sutra', full of interesting positions.

To Mr and Mrs Arthur Weasley, times have been hard for you both, so I leave one hundred thousand Galleons to you. And, no, you can't refuse. You deserve the money. It is as much to raise those two children of mine as anything else.

To Filius Flitwick, I leave my heartfelt gratitude, those positions were really quite awe-inspiring, as well as one thousand Galleons The reason, to get a blow-job.

To Aberforth Dumbledore, my brother. I leave a book of spells, 'the Goat-fanciers almanac', which I know will be very useful to you. I also give you this.

A ghostly Prick appeared in Aberforth's mouth, squirted sweet nectar down his throat then disappeared

'To Remus Lupin, I leave something a friend of mine has been working on. On my desk there is a phial, containing the cure to your, unfortunate, malady. No not lycanthropy. This instead should mean that you can go on forever. At least in bed.

To Nymphadora Tonks, I leave ten thousand galleons. The cure is partially for you, also, as now he has no grounds for refusal.

To Minerva Dumbledore, My dear wife...'

(This elicited many gasps from the onlookers, as they clearly had not been listening earlier)

'I leave my wedding ring, a million Galleons, and my undying love and devotion. Also, I leave fossilised, three-hundred-year-old sperm, from when I was a mere teenager. Drink as you will.

To Severus. I know that my passing will have been hard on you. You saw me as a father figure, especially when I was making sweet love to your unconscious form. Yes, that was me in the hospital wing that night. You didn't dream it, my boy. The massages you used to give me were very stimulating. Even though they weren't aimed at the traditional place. What you could do with your hands was amazing. Manual anal sex was a brilliance never surpassed.

I leave you, my crew of lovers with this message. I enjoyed every second. (Gay Leap-frog included.)

AN. I hope you enjoyed that twisted story. Cyao.


End file.
